


I Left Because I Love You

by littlepinkbow



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Clueless Harry, Crushes, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining Zayn, Secret Crush, Zayn Leaves One Direction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-29
Updated: 2015-09-29
Packaged: 2018-04-20 13:54:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4789691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlepinkbow/pseuds/littlepinkbow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone had their own opinion on why Zayn left One Direction, but when it came to the truth, there was only one reason Zayn left: Harry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Left Because I Love You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [magentania](https://archiveofourown.org/users/magentania/gifts).



When Zayn stepped off the plane at Heathrow everything inside of his head felt surreal. He left. He left in the middle of a world tour because he couldn’t take the way that Harry looked at him when he ducked out of the club with a girl the previous night. He was signed off with ‘stress’ the rags had said and when he saw the first headline he laughed, because stress was something you could call it. 

Australia. Australia and Japan, actually, Zayn thought. That’s where the craziest things always happened. That’s where after 5 shots and a few mixed drinks (hey, he liked the umbrellas, okay?) his hands had stretched over the expanse of Harry’s lower back as Harry grinded their hips together, the lightest, airiest laugh escaping Harry’s mouth and settling itself right in Zayn’s head. When Zayn closed his eyes the memory of that night was so vivid, the way that Harry’s back had arched into his grip, the way that Harry smelt just a bit too much like vodka and with a cringe, he remembers the way he had pressed Harry against the back of the lift and kissed him. When the lift doors had opened, Harry mumbled an apology and squeezed past Zayn, disappearing down the hallway to his room. 

The first thing Zayn did when he got home was not call Harry. He knew the boys would be waking up soon, rolling out of bed and being greeted with the news that he was gone. There was a part of his brain that hoped they’d all be heartbroken, but the logical part of his brain told him that they’d be angry. He hadn’t meant to abandon them, he really hadn’t, he just couldn’t take it anymore and when he had finally expressed that to management they wanted him gone as soon as possible. Make it look real, they had said to him. Settling back on his couch, Zayn propped his feet up on the coffee table in front of him and let out a shuddering sigh. Not only was it the boys he had to worry about, but the fans. He knew he would be hated, he knew endless amounts of stress would come from this (which was only slightly amusing to him as he was signed off with stress in the first place) but he didn’t know what else to do. He couldn’t just tell the world, tell Harry that he thought he might be in love -- he couldn’t because he wasn’t. That wasn’t a thing that was happening and the thoughts of needed to go away. Maybe being a world away from the catalyst would help, at least he hoped that it would help. 

Waking up from his unexpected nap, Zayn immediately reached for his phone - 24 missed calls and 37 text messages. He cringed at the names on the screen, Niall, Louis, Liam, his mum, his sisters and his face fell slightly when he didn’t see the one name he was looking for. Harry hadn’t bothered to call or text him, which made Zayn think his decision to leave was smart. Harry didn’t feel the same way he felt and even though it send a shock of pain through his entire body, it had to be less painful than if he had brought it up and been rejected. 

The first texts he looked at were those from Liam, they seemed angry at first, but in true Liam fashion, quickly dissolved into a fit of worry and not understanding. Zayn’s heart twinged at the fact that he was letting of all of this - letting go of his best friends - letting go of the band - but he knew it was the right decision. Or really, he knew he didn’t have any other choice he could make. Once he got through the texts from Liam he flipped his phone over and pushed it away from him, he didn’t have the heart to read the rest of them or maybe the heart to see what he knew wasn’t there. 

It was a four days later when Zayn spoke to Liam on the phone, Liam’s voice was quiet, tired and almost ragged as he answered “Hello?” 

“Hey.” Zayn replied quietly and his voice sounded as foreign to his own ears as Liam’s had, “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you before.” He stumbled over his words not really knowing the right thing to say. 

“Are you okay? No one’s told us anything. We’ve all been a mess.” Liam’s replied with the same calm and even tone he always managed to keep. 

“I’m okay. I’m not coming back.” Zayn breathed the words out carefully, it was something he had known since he left, but he wasn’t sure if the other four knew it and he wasn’t sure how Liam would react to that, if he were being honest, he wasn’t sure about much anymore. 

“That’s kind of what we got from the meeting yesterday.” Liam sighed out after his words and for a moment Zayn thought maybe he should tell Liam exactly why he left. 

“Liam, look, I can’t explain now, but I’ve got to go. Maybe later I can explain to you guys what happened, just not now.” Zayn rang off before his breath could catch in his throat and he made it his resolve to not reach out to any of the boys again, not for a while anyway. 

The following week had been a swirl of meetings, of Zayn being told what obligations he still needed to fulfill, of signing below the line on a contract that said he would make an album with Shahid. The pair had been fair weather friends and in the moment, the moment where Zayn’s mind went nowhere but Harry he decided it was worth it to get out of the band. 

It was three weeks and four days later when Zayn’s phone buzzing on his night table woke him. Reaching out in the dark he slapped his hand down on the table, cursing when he missed the table and hit the corner, he finally found his phone and pulled it back into bed with him. Scrunching his nose up, he stared at the screen and jerked slightly when he saw the name ‘Haz’ on the screen. It was followed by Text Message (2) and Zayn’s heart felt like it was doing flip flops around his chest. 

Actually unlocking the phone and getting to the message took fifteen minutes, his finger slowly slipping across the screen and typing the numbers 6-2-7-4 as the phone brightened and the screen unlocked. Zayn took a moment to prepare himself for the worst before tapping on the messages icon. 

H: H  
H: Oh. I meant, how are you? 

Zayn tipped his head to the side and a warmth spread over his entire body as he read and reread the messages, the typo was so Harry that it made a small, sleepy laugh escape Zayn’s lips. Tapping his finger on the screen a few times, he waited just a moment before replying. 

Z: sleepy but ok how r u?

H: I’m good. I’m sorry if we let you down in some way. Or if you needed us to help you in some way and we didn’t. 

Zayn swallowed hard looking at the screen and that was the last thing he expected. He hadn’t expected Harry or anyone else for that matter, to feel like it was their fault he left. It was his own fault for not being able to be normal. He scoffed at himself, reaching up and scrubbing his hands over his hand, his phone lying on his chest and his fingers linking above his head as he stretched and cracked his fingers. 

Z: that isnt how it was just some other shit im sorry if i made u feel that way

H: None of us really know what to think. Just feels like we lost part of who we are. Like losing a limb, maybe. 

Zayn locked his phone and flipped it over on the bed, his heart was pounding and he felt like he just couldn’t say anything else. He couldn’t tell them why he really left and he couldn’t go back, more than anything, Zayn felt like he was stuck. 

The drama followed soon after, Zayn knew that Shahid was looking at him like a trophy, as if he had won Zayn and was showing him off to everyone. Zayn was angry at himself and late one evening drunk with Shahid and a few of their friends, he had confessed the reason he left the band. His feelings for Harry that had all but taken over his life and even now that he was a world away the feelings were still there. Shahid had given him a hard time about it, but mostly, it was just water under the bridge - no one really cared why Zayn really left the band. 

At least one a day, Zayn’s finger hovered over Harry’s name on his phone. He thought maybe he should just call him, but every time he nearly pressed on call, he talked himself out of it and didn’t think of it again until the next day. 

Zayn hadn’t meant to snap back at Louis’ tweet, he really hadn’t. But his fingers type the word and hit send before he could stop himself to think about it. Hovering over the delete button, Zayn knew that there was no point. Even if he had deleted the tweet just a second after posting it, someone, somewhere would have gotten a screenshot and he would look awful all the same. Sighing, he moved his hands up to scrub at his face, just waiting for the influx of hate, not only from fans, but from his own ex-band mates. 

What Zayn hadn’t expected was Harry’s name to be the first text message to pop up on his phone. He figured some sort of congratulatory text from Shahid would be first or maybe a chewing from Louis, but Harry, Harry really wasn’t what he had expected. “Great,” Zayn muttered to himself, before deciding to rip the band aid off and see what the text said. 

H: What’s going on with you? That was a bit not like you. 

Zayn scoffed at the screen and he knew that even if he didn’t want to admit it, Harry was right. That wasn’t him. Clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth, he thought for a few moments before typing out a reply. 

Z: dunno just irritated i guess 

H: I already told Louis it was uncalled for. 

Z: yeah well sorry 

H: I don’t think I’m really the one who you need to apologise to. What’s going on with you anyway mate? None of this really makes sense to me. Please explain it. 

Zayn sighed as he looked down at the phone, scrolling up and back down the screen and tapping in the text box. He had no idea what to say really, he wasn’t sure it was the time to be honest with Harry but he wasn’t sure that there was going to be a time that was any better than another. Zayn started typing and deleted it several times before finally deciding on the message that he sent. 

Z: i just needed some space away from everything 

H: You quit the band. That’s not space. I just don’t get it.

Z: it’s hard to explain it makes sense in my head pls don’t be mad 

H: I’m not mad. It just doesn’t make sense. You have to take care of yourself first but I don’t get it. 

Z: msorry h. i really am. one day i will explain. 

It was 24 minutes later when Zayn realised that Harry wasn’t going to reply. Not at at the moment anyway and he had the overwhelming feeling of his heart shattering in his chest at the thought of Harry looking at his phone and having no idea what to say to him.  
The fight with Shahid wasn’t planned, not really, Zayn had just had enough and just like with Louis, he snapped and said things that this time, he didn’t regret. The situation that he was thrown into just as soon as leaving One Direction wasn’t what Zayn wanted for his career, but it took him a bit to sort out what it was that he really wanted and how he needed to go about getting it. 

After several phone calls and many meetings with RCA, Zayn was on his way to signing a record deal that he was proud to stand behind and still, the one thing hanging over his head was Harry. Harry Harry Harry - his mind felt like it was constantly screaming at him and Zayn knew he couldn’t continue on without doing something, anything about it. 

“I’ve got to tell you something and you can’t laugh. You can’t get mad.” Zayn said just as soon as Liam had rang on and he wasn’t even sure how he’d ended up calling Liam. He just knew that out of anyone, Liam was (probably) the least likely to freak out on him. 

“Is everything alright?” Liam asked, the crinkling sound in the background sounding to Zayn like the all too familiar sound of hotel sheets that had been starched just a bit too much. 

“Yeah, I just. Wanted to talk to you about why I left. Cause there’s some stuff coming up and I just need to be honest.” Zayn knew he was stumbling over his words but it felt like everything was culminating into this one moment. The one moment where he had to say his reason for leaving. 

“I’m all ears then.” Liam spoke, a small yawn leaving his lips and Zayn really hadn’t considered what time it was where Liam was when he called him. 

“I think I’m in love with Harry.” Zayn blurted the words out and every time he had played that over in his head he had said something else, anything else except for the words that actually came out of his mouth. 

“What? Like Harry Harry?” Liam asked but the tone of his voice was curious and nothing else, curious and interested, not accusatory at all. 

“Yeah. That’s why I left. I couldn’t.. I didn’t know what to do. It was too much. I felt like he knew or like he thought I was stupid. Or I don’t know. I just couldn’t be there anymore,” Zayn rambled on, shifting his weight and bouncing his feet around nervously on the floor. 

“Well you’ve got to tell him mate.” Liam sighed, “I know it’s not that easy but I know he’s been off since you left. Just a bit more quiet than usual. Maybe he needs to hear it?” 

“I signed a deal with RCA. I need to tell Harry before it goes public. I need him to know.” Zayn agreed, pressing his lips together and laying back on his couch while he thought. 

“You signed a record deal? That’s brilliant mate. I hope that it makes you happier,” Liam congratulated Liam and the rest of their phone conversation was small talk about Zayn’s record deal and what was going on for both of them. 

The following day, Zayn flicked through his phone and opening up the thread of texts with Harry, scrolling through them and finally deciding to send a text. 

Z: when will u be in london again? 

H: Not long. I think over the weekend. Have a few obligations. Are you okay? 

Z: im okay i just wanted to see if we could get together if u have some time 

H: Yeah. I’ll make time. Do you want to do lunch or something? 

Z: maybe i could just come to yours might be easier to talk without people around 

H: You sure that everything is alright? 

Z: yeah i dont think its something bad i just need to tell you some stuff really 

H: Okay, well how does Saturday sound? You can come to mine around lunch and I’ll put something on. 

Z: ill be there if something changes let me know

H: Okay, I’ll see you then. 

The next three days seemed to take forever for Zayn. He’d spoken to the record label about holding off announcing his contract until after the weekend. He wanted to see Harry, he wanted to tell him face to face before Harry just saw a tweet explaining what was going on in his life. 

Saturday morning, Zayn couldn’t still at all, bouncing from one place to another in his apartment until it was time for him to go meet Harry. 

When Zayn finally arrived at Harry’s just after noon, he had a beanie pulled over his head and he knocked three times at the door before waiting for Harry to answer. 

Harry answered the door, looking as gorgeous as ever with a wide smile and curls falling into his face, “Hiii, come in.” Harry drug his words out as he always did, stepping out of the way to let Zayn inside and shutting the door behind him. 

Zayn immediately thought that maybe he shouldn’t tell Harry the real reason he left the band, he should just forget about his feelings and not tell Harry anything. He shifted from foot to foot standing in the foyer of Harry’s house staring and he had missed Harry, he had missed his smiles, he had missed being in his presence and he was so so in love with the younger male. 

“Are you okay mate?” Harry asked curiously and Zayn hadn’t realised that Harry had turned to walk somewhere in his house and he had just stayed dumbly in the foyer, “Is there something wrong?” Harry asked as he stepped back in front of Zayn and reached out to curl his fingers around Zayn’s bicep. 

“No, shit. I’m sorry.” Zayn said, shaking his thoughts from his mind and biting down on his bottom lip. “It’s just that there’s like a lot I need to talk to you about and I can’t keep it off my mind.” He explained, twisting his hands together and cracking his knuckles. “Can we go sit down maybe?” Zayn asked. 

Harry raised an eyebrow and nodding curiously, leading Zayn into his living room and sitting down on the couch, “What’s going on? I’m worried about you.” Harry said, patting the spot on the couch next to him until Zayn sat down next to him. 

Zayn didn’t know where to start, he didn’t know if he should tell Harry about the record deal or about the other thing and the thought made Zayn’s cheeks burn hot, “I um, wanted you to know before it was announced publicly. I’ve signed to do an album with RCA. Like a proper album, just me.” Zayn said, knowing that Harry would know that he meant without Shahid. 

“Zayn, mate. That’s amazing.” Harry said, his eyes flashing over at Zayn and a grin spreading over his lips, “That’s so good and I’m so happy for you. You’re going to be brilliant.” Harry said excitedly, looking at Zayn and then letting out a small laugh, “That’s what you were so worried about telling me?” 

Zayn relaxed when Harry told him that he was happy for him -- he wasn’t sure how he expected each of the boys to react, but so far so good, and with Harry being happy, it made Zayn feel even better. “No, it’s not just that, there’s something else, I just am not really sure how to say it without making you freak out.” And that was the least of it, really. In the last 24 hours Zayn had convinced himself that Harry would either laugh at him or get angry at him and there was really no in between. 

“Are you okay? Like are you poorly? Is that why you left?” Harry’s voice went from the normal calm and warm tone that was filled with panic and worry, his hand reaching out to touch Zayn’s forearm, like he had to check to make sure that he was okay. 

“Yeah, no. I’m fine. It’s nothing like that.” Zayn said and in his head he followed it up with ‘it’s much worse than that,’ but he stayed silent looking at Harry. “Before I left things felt weird. I felt like you were looking at me. I couldn’t take it anymore.” Zayn let a huff of breath leave his lips and looked away from Harry, hoping that maybe he would melt right into the couch. 

The look on Harry’s face was incredulous at best and he slapped his hands down on his thighs, letting out an almost laugh as he looked over at Zayn, “Are you fucking kidding me? You left because I was looking at you? You could have just told me not to look at you? Is this a fucking joke because it’s really not funny.” Harry’s temper was one of those things that completely gave away how he was feeling - he was consistently a very happy person but when he was angry he couldn’t hide it and Zayn knew immediately he had chosen the wrong words. 

Dipping his head down, Zayn took in a deep breath and closed his eyes because he had really really fucked it. “That’s not what I mean,” Zayn said slowly, looking up and if his eyes were filled with tears that were threatening to leak out it wasn’t his fault (and maybe it was okay either way because he was about to single-handedly fuck up what he thought was the most important thing in his life), “Not just looking at me. I just,” Zayn linked his fingers together in his lap, squeezing them and finally looking over to Harry, “I thought you were seeing me. I thought you realised that I was in love with you.” The words leaving his lips felt like they defeaned his own ears, a buzzing filling his head that drowned everything out. He had actually said it and now all he could do was wait. Wait for Harry to scream, to yell, to toss him out, just wait and what felt like and hour was only -- 

“What? Are you taking the piss?” Harry asked, and his jaw was hung slightly open and his eyes were as wide as saucers as he stared at Zayn. “You’re in love with me? You were? Or you are? Cause those are two different distinctions and I need to know. And you quit our band because of it?” Harry’s questions trailed out one after the other with a look of total disbelief on his face. 

“Am. I am, not was,” were really the only words Zayn could manage as his mouth went dry and his tongue soundlessly clicked against the roof of his mouth, “I’m sorry.” He said finally and he reached up to press his fingers against his eyes because there was no way that he was even going to let one tear escape. 

“Why wouldn’t you just tell me that? I mean?” Harry tipped his head to the side but he reached out and took Zayn’s hand into his own, pulling it into his lap and playing with the other male’s fingers, lifting them up and watching as they fell back down. 

Zayn’s heart jumped into his throat and nearly lurched to a stop when Harry took his hand and he shrugged, glancing over at Harry and then down to their hands, Harry’s fingers still moving Zayn’s around. “I just did.” Zayn finally decided on saying, because well, that was true. 

“You left.” Harry murmured, his voice soft, almost confused sounding, “You left because what? Because you were afraid I didn’t like you? You were afraid of what exactly?” Harry’s curls had fallen slightly into his face and Zayn had to resist the urge to reach out with his free hand and tuck them behind the younger male’s ear. 

“I was afraid it was too much. I was afraid that you didn’t want what I wanted. I still am. Afraid, I mean. I’m terrified.” Zayn admitted, the worst stinging his ears and his heart in a way that made him ache all over. 

Harry exhaled, his shoulders turning down as he obviously was attempting to relax himself, “Of course I saw you Zayn. You’re beautiful. And smart. And funny. Charming, too. I’ve always seen you.” Harry said and his words cut through the almost numb feeling Zayn had, sending an overwhelming feeling of warmth through his body. “I don’t understand fully why you had to leave because of it, but I’ll respect it. I’m proud of you, you seem happier now, so I can’t get mad for that.” Harry stopped twiddling with Zayn’s hand and turned his hand over to link their fingers together. 

“Oh.” Zayn replied brilliantly because in all of his reviewing of how the situation went, he never gave thought to the idea that maybe, just maybe, Harry felt exactly the same way that he did. “It wasn’t just that, it was a lot of things, but that was just like the icing on the cake for me, as they say. I’m sorry.” Zayn mumbled out, looking down at his lap and biting down on his bottom lip softly. 

“Right well are you going to kiss me?” Harry asked and he even looked surprised at the words coming out of his mouth, “I mean, that’s an important bit right? The kiss?” His eyebrow raised as he turned slightly on the couch so he was facing Zayn, pursing his bottom lip out into a pout and looking over Zayn’s face. 

“That’s a very important part,” Zayn mumbled, turning himself, his knee bumping into Harry’s and his free hand moving up to cup Harry’s cheek in his hand, “It’s one of the most important parts, maybe.” He added, his eyes flicking to meet Harry’s as his nerves bubbled up just slightly in his stomach. 

Harry smiled, closing his eyes and leaning in to nudge his nose against Zayn’s gently. “Come on then, you’re doing it first.” He said softly, opening his eyes to meet Zayn’s eyes and scrunching his nose up just slightly. 

“M’doing it.” Zayn mumbled, closing his eyes and leaning to press his lips to Harry’s lips and that was it - that was the feeling Zayn had been waiting for for months. His stomach filled with butterflies and in the cheesiest way possible it felt like the butterflies bubbled up and flew out of his stomach. 

Harry pressed his lips back to Zayn’s, gently, his head tipping to the side as he parted his lips and let his tongue flick out to meet Zayn’s touch that was there waiting for him. 

When Zayn pulled back his cheeks were flushed and the smile that was on his lips felt like the biggest smile he had ever had, because that was hands down the best kiss that he had ever had. “Oh.” Zayn said dumbly, biting down on his bottom lip and rubbing at Harry’s cheek gently. 

Harry’s cheeks were slightly pink and his lips were bright red in that way that Zayn loved, and he reached up, pressing his fingers to his lips and smiling as he dropped them back down, “Guess that it’s better not to work with the person you’re in love with, isn’t it?” He asked, licking over his lips carefully. 

“Are you..” Zayn started, his nerves returning as he wasn’t sure how to word the question, “Are you saying that you are too? You’re in love with me?” And god, Zayn hated being this way, he hated being a bumbling mess and yet he couldn’t stop himself. 

“I’m saying that I’m yours, Zayn Malik. I’m saying that I will always look at you.” Harry said with a smile, leaning in to catch Zayn’s lips in another kiss, his eyes falling shut as their lips met.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like this; I sort of left out the Perrie/Zayn relationship, so I hope that's okay! <3


End file.
